Moonlight Rambles

Sometimes you just want to be alone. Now couple that with the paradox of a sudden and unexpected fear of being alone. It's dark out. Tiring day, sleepless but dry-eyed night. Ran into a couple of walls, tripped on a few steps, but otherwise functioning fairly well. Sigh.
Driving home from class. Lots of people to hang out with in SlO, AG, but my own place deserted. Somehow the thought of being alone in the house, even for an hour or two, freaked me out. Couple that with a restless, aching heart and a strong aversion to the stockpile of homework frowning in my thoughts. I'd take care of that later. But for now....? Home? Alone? Impossible.

So I drove to the beach.


Aching heart. Pull a hoodie on. Cool night breeze. Taste of salt, of ocean, of brine. Dark waters. Darker beach. Thin crescent moon suspended in a gauzy layer up above. Peace. Few glances over my shoulder to make sure the guys loitering around Fins weren't following me. Ahhh. Out on the cold sand. Ditch my shoes. Now I can pull my hood back, out of sight of the loiterers, and take off running impulsively toward the water. Slip down a sandy ridge; skid to a stop at the edge of the water. Wasn't ready to get my feet wet yet, and I didn't intend to stay very long.

I started walking restlessly through the rippled gray world. Mysterious gray world, entirely different from the daytime or dawning or even sunset beach. Different character than a nighttime bonfire with friends. A place unto itself, complete in itself. Inky swath of beach on one side; paler swath of gloomy moonlit foam hedging the other. Sweep and surge of dark waves, restless behind their bounds. Restless like me. I felt my soul begin to unkink in response, at the same time as the silence drew out the ache that had been festering there all day. Minor music sort of ache. At school it merely interfered. Here it fit well enough that I reflected wryly I should've worn my Emo glasses. I decided that if anyone accosted me, I'd just take off and swim behind those tumbled dark swells. My cell phone sucks anyways, and the keys would be easy to hold on to. Either that or take off for the dunes. No; probably ocean. Closer. When rambling by yourself, it's always good to have an escape route ready.

With that cleared up, I let my thoughts wander to how nice it was to be alone right now. I like being alone lately. Running alone, walking alone, moonlighting alone. Dark, venturesome beach. Tempted to just start running along it and not come back. A tiny moon traced a path in front of my feet, erratic on the wave-ridged sand. Perfect, tiny moon; gray world; quiet dark. Restless but calming surge of the sea. It's funny how being alone is an absolutely incredible experience when it's a matter of choice. Otherwise it just sucks.

I took off running suddenly, almost surprised myself. Ahhhh. This was perfect. Sprinting across the dark sands, assuming the next step would be level. Dark, firm sand. Faster, faster. There's something special about running along a moonlit foam. There's something special about running when the night picks up wings and flies behind you. Faster, faster. Stop to catch my breath. The Grover entrance was far behind me now. Dark, quiet, lonesome world. Huge, white circle around the moon--foreboding of rain--like a halo. It was comforting somehow, that pale moon rainbow. Reminded me that I wasn't quite alone after all. The ocean and God and my thoughts; good company.

I kept telling myself that I needed to turn around, as I ventured farther and farther along the beach. End of houses. Quiet dunes beyond. Running as hard as I could, but it didn't feel hard. Just free. And fast. Almost flying. It would have been even better if my lungs didn't hurt--better yet if my heart didn't hurt. I thought of Netto. I thought of Netto a lot. Miss her. It's hard.

Whenever those thoughts came, I'd take off running again--harder. When you're running fast enough, you don't really need to concentrate on anything else. Spray of water, sand, foam. Kicking up behind me. All over my legs and shorts and...oops...the cell phone clutched in my hand. I didn't realize how wet I was getting 'til I was on the way back. At a certain point, where there were no more lights on the immensely gray dunes, the word "goul" came to me. I decided it was time to turn around.

Shadow creatures walking with me, out of the corner of my eye. Actually they were just the stripey reflections of the lights on the cliff, following along with me. But it was easy to pretend the shadow columns were the ones doing the following, and from there it wasn't a far leap to creatures. Tall, thin ones. But just the shadow.



I took off running again, flying over the dark sand. A surge of foamy wave came up to meet my feet, and all of a sudden I forgot entirely about the shadow creatures in the delight of a new game. Okay so it's not new, but in the new scenario of moonlight and aloneness, it seemed an entirely different matter than anything I'd played before. Running just along the edge of that rapidly-advancing foam. At a slight angle up the beach as it surged inland. Open up my stride. Wow this was a quick wave. Faster, faster. Phew just got ahead of it. I followed it and played the same with the next, skirting a foot, maybe two from the unpredictable foam running alongside me. Lots of sprinting. A bit of splashing. It seemed as if I should be laughing, for it was fun, but instead it was incredibly silent. The sound of the ocean, of my own breathing, an occasional splash. That was it.

I ended up sprinting along the wave most of the way back, weave in and out. Misjudged my timing the very last one and ended up cantering to a splashing halt--finally laughing out-loud when I realized how wet I'd gotten. Covered in sticky sand; all over my legs and up my back. My throat hurt incredibly all of a sudden, and I realized the cold pizza and Redline I'd had, hmmm, like 4am the previous night was pretty gone. Humdrum. Humdrum and homework. Cold feet; hard to work the clutch; barely feel the pedals. Time to go back in to the world.

But regardless of sore throat, wet shorts, cold feet....wow. That felt good. Refreshing. Unkinking. Exciting.

I think I'll have to do it again sometime...